My complicated relationship with creativity

I’ve always embraced creativity. Anyone who knows me understands that the way I am is fueled by a passion for storytelling. When I do anything, it has to be for the story. It’s the largest reason I play video games and read the types of books I do. It’s all about the story.

I love to keep this a positive space but I recently watched a video that struck a chord with me. I’ve been watching Sorelle Amore for a few months now because of her powerful storytelling through photography. Yet her most recent video, Advanced Selfie Challenge: Dark Emotional Heartbreak Edition really connected with me. She opens the video with a powerful message:

“Do I think that creators are twisted? Yeah. I really do think. I think we are. We’re demented, really broken inside. Really tortured… by this humongously powerful instuffable irrational desire to create. That’s all we can think about and we pretend like we don’t need to. Convince ourselves that the need for this expression is irrational. So we morph into society. Pretend we don’t have to pretend. That we are okay if we don’t create. That we can breathe normally if we don’t create. But we can’t. Well we pretend but damn it hurts. And a lot of people think that creators especially online, that were all full of shit. That we are oversharing, for views but they forget that we’re human and that we experience things just like everybody else. And that we draw on inspiration from those sources. Are we crazy? Yeah. But when you are faced with nothing but heartbreak do you put on a happy face and pretend everything’s okay or do you use that to your advantage?”

Growing up, writing was a huge part of my life. It helped me cope with a lot of in home issues that I faced. When I had no one to confide in, I turned to writing. A dream of mine was to become an author and share my words with the world. I got encouragement from anyone who would read what I had to say. Except from my family.

For them, it was important to follow in the footsteps of my elders. Become a doctor and save mankind. I pushed and shoved and did anything but that. My family told me that being a creative type would get me nowhere in life. All I was wasting my time by doing what I loved the most. In the end I kept fooling myself and kept telling myself I was happy. What I should have stuck with my guns. I should have devoted myself to learning the art of storytelling.

Now days I find that if I want to write creatively, it has to be for myself. The world is too busy for me and the pace I’ve decided to take. And I’m coming to terms with it. But it’s a difficult journey. Now days when I want to sit and write I can’t find the motivation and passion I had when I was younger. I feel burnt out before I’ve even begun. Which is why I think it’s so important to follow your instincts to where they take you. For me, there are many terrible memories that come along with the desire to write. One of them is the idea that I’ll never be good enough.

Instead of wasting my time moping around writing, I’ve begun to draw again. I can’t say I’m any good at either of these two arts but it helps. Being creative helps cope with years of familial rejection and disappointment. It helps power my decisions to push away the toxicity in my life. It helps fuel that burning desire I have to create things from nothing. Even if I’m the only one who gets to experience it.

I think that if there’s anything to take away from today’s post, it’s believe in yourself and what makes you happy. Only you can provide yourself with the happiness you deserve. Follow your heart even if others say it’s the worst choice you can make. They aren’t living your life, you are. And if you have a burning desire to create then do it. The only thing holding you back is yourself.